Is He Really Available?
Dear Dr. Laurie:
I am a 35 year
old woman living in San Diego. My boyfriend is a kind, hard working, honest,
man and probably the best father I have ever known. His son comes first.
His son and I get along wonderfully.
The mother of
his son will call to create a "situation." He recluses, becomes angry,
shuts down, vents with me, and things subside over time. Then he and I
return back to the level of intimacy we had prior to the upset and are
free to keep growing as a couple.
We both care about
each other tremendously. He has recently told me that he is just out of
energy and can't take care of my needs when all of this is going on. He
also turns to me for support and guidance and thanks me for being his
friend and tells me "you're the best". I don't want to allow "her" to
get between what he and I have. We
both love doing the same things and ultimately want the same things in
life.
Our morals are
even similar. We have something special and I want to be the person he
needs right now without sacrificing myself. How do I maintain the intimacy
that we have through all of this mess? I have gone to therapy for years
and my friends say that I have become a very healthy person. I don't want
to lose all the work I did. - Janet
Dear Janet:
It takes two to
create intimacy. Your man is making a choice when he lets his ex partner
take his focus and energy. He has the opportunity to set firm limits with
her and devote his energy to his son and you. If he is unable to do that
ask him if he will get some outside help so that he can get better at
it. If he won't, you are in for ongoing difficulty. You deserve the love
of someone who is FULLY available. As wonderful as this fellow is in MANY
ways he may not be able to give you what you need. Tell him what you need.
Ask him to set better boundaries with his wife. If he is able and willing
to respond you can have the closeness you desire. If he doesn't, go through
the grieving of letting go so that you can be with someone who is FULLY
available. Relationship is not based on one person needing another because
he has troubles. Healthy relationship is based on two companions choosing
to give to each other and receive from each other.
I wish the best
for you.
Sincerely,
Dr. Laurie Moore
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