Valuable Time Apart
Dear Dr. Laurie:
My boyfriend needs to "take
space" right after we have an extended period of closeness. After a great
weekend he needs a day or two to go home and be separate. Do you think
he has an intimacy issue? - Carolina
Dear Carolina: Take the focus
off pathologizing your boyfriend and put it on taking care of yourself.
People require time apart for many reasons. First of all, time apart is
natural. A human who can spend time by himself/herself has a strength
that is important for any relationship.
Each person develops his or
her own relationship to self and spirit and a healthy relationship grows
out of this. How can you utilize your time apart to nurture yourself?
Learn to answer this question (through life not just through words) and
you will feel better loved. We must learn to love ourselves to be happy.
If you take this time to learn to love yourself and find that your needs
for togetherness and his differ drastically than you aren't a suited match.
If you find that the time you spend together is of a good quality, he
is loyal to you, and your different time desires can lead to mutual compromise,
there's no problem. If the latter is the case, view his style as the universe
knocking on your door with an invitation for you to become more solid
within yourself. The universe has sent you a personal messenger. Rejoice.
Take the challenge because
it is a gift! Second of all, the way of life is to come together and move
apart. The breath goes into the body and the breath goes out of the body.
The waves touch the sand and the waves roll off the sand. We cannot be
together nor can we be separate all of the time. This universe is the
universe of duality in which oneness as well as separateness are experienced.
Learn to celebrate both. Your security will grow out of such an ability.
Last but not least, your time apart will give you time to fantasize, miss,
imagine, remember, appreciate, desire and realize the value of your time
A healthy in- the- present-now
relationship is fed by the fantasy and imagination we foster when apart.
Utilize some of your separate time to appreciate your relationship and
you will become more attuned to each other in the non verbal realms. I
hope it works out for you.
Dr. Laurie Moore
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